What I Learned From My Grandmother Passing
I was doing so well with posting regularly up until Christmas, and then–wham!–the holidays came, and I broke my routine. I’ve been working on my blog on the back end, cleaning up and categorizing posts so that readers can actually find content.
I thought I’d be up and running with projects again since the kids just started back to school this week after a long Winter Break., but instead, this week I’ve been focusing on putting together a video tribute to my grandmother that just passed away on New Year’s Eve.
I want to step away from DIY for a moment to reflect on what this moment has taught me.
(I love me a good life lesson).
Alzheimer’s was an ugly disease that robbed my grandmother of who she was and the person people knew her to be. But oddly enough, it also gave our family something unexpected:
The understanding of what “family” really means.
Let me explain.
My mom and Nanny didn’t have the greatest relationship when Mom was growing up. Being a white girl in a predominately white town in the 60’s, it wasn’t hard being ostracized for dating black men. As punishment, she was kicked out of the house, given the boot.
For years, my mom and grandmother were estranged, but somewhere along the way, they reunited. On weekends, we started going over to Nanny’s house, picking her up to take her to work, or just going for drives and getting ice cream. It became our weekend ritual.
Despite seeing her often, I don’t remember being close to her. My sister and I grew up jealous that she favorited other grandkids, and that sentiment followed us throughout the years. I really think it’s the reason I lost touch with my grandmother–never really calling often enough to say hello…seeing her mostly at holidays or family funerals…thinking she wouldn’t notice and wouldn’t care.
But I sit here with a letter in my hand–one that she wrote to me when I was 20, away at college in Miami for a semester.
Pulling out that letter now, after her passing, I see things much more clearly:
She cared, but never knew how to show it.
This letter is proof.
Then I realized that our whole family is this way. We’re a shell of a family that has never been close.
Not because we don’t love each other, but because this is the habit, the expectation that we have set for our family. It’s all that we know.
We don’t interact with each other, we don’t hang out “just because,” and when we do see each other at Christmas and funerals, we make small talk like the strangers we are.
But Alzheimer’s exposed those barriers.
Years later after the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s, my mom did the most selfless thing a daughter could ever do: she quit her job, rendering herself broke, and moved Nanny in with her, my sister, and my niece.
She cared for her as if she were a child, changing her when she needed to use the bathroom, feeding her when Nanny couldn’t (or wouldn’t) do it herself. I hadn’t seen anyone in our family care for another family member in this way. Ever.
One day while visiting Mom, I had to help get Nanny to the bathroom during a time when Nanny was too weak to move very much. We were losing our grasp on her, sure we were going to drop her. Mom quickly sat down on the toilet with Nanny sitting on top of her, so that we could reposition ourselves. But not before I laughed out loud and ran for a picture!
It was moments like these when you see the true meaning of family.
When you’re helping your mother to the bathroom and your muscles are aching, but you hold steady. When it’s ripping you apart emotionally (like it did Mom), but you keep forging ahead because you want the best for family.
During these moments of seeing my mom care for my grandmother, all childhood thoughts and questions about whether she really cared for us, dissipated. The Alzheimer’s may have stolen the grandmother I knew, but it replaced her with a sweet old lady that would stare at me, tell me I’m pretty, and tell me she loved me. With Alzheimer’s, the barriers were gone.
What I learned from all this is that the word family goes deeper than just being related to someone by blood.
Family means having someone’s back, no matter how hard it is.
Family means breaking down those barriers and showing your true self to the people you love.
Family means feeling like you’ve got a soft place when you’re falling.
And my wish for 2016 is that this family of ours can take off its masks and break the uncomfortable silences and remove the barriers that prevent us from truly being what a family should be.
Nanny would want it that way.
Watch the Video Tribute
For those that would like to see the video montage I put together of my grandmother, here it is:
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So sorry about your loss Serena. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you, Susan!!
By the way, I think your post was completely appropriate. Your share your family and crazy life with your readers. Sometimes we all need to check in with reality, good and bad. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Thanks, Pam! We bloggers always feel a little uncertain about posting personal stuff because some people ONLY come here for the projects. But I’m not a machine–I can’t crank out project after project. Sometimes life gets in the way. And since I’m a writer deep down inside, sometimes a little personal reflection is in order. 🙂 Thanks for being receptive to it!
Oh Serena, what a beautiful post. The video brought me to tears. I know that I’m about to face losing my mom to this awful disease and I’m trying to prepare myself but I know that I can’t really be fully prepared for the emotions that are sure to come. Sending prayers and hugs to you my friend.
Hey, Jeanie! Sorry I couldn’t continue our conversation yesterday on IM. I was meeting with a friend for dinner. I’m really glad that this post touched you. Someone just the other day said the same thing–that she knew as her mom was getting older that she should prepare herself for it, but when her mom passed at 81, there still was no preparing for it. It seems so cruel–a world where people lose people they love. Thanks for commenting and sharing your thoughts with me about this!!
Serena, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your video tribute was beautiful and I loved that song. In my experience death of a loved one brings families closer. In the past few years we have had a few. I truly hope it will do the same for yours. Hugs and prayers. Your family is in my thoughts.
Hi, Pam,
Yes, I agree with you–death brings families closer for sure! At the viewing and funeral I saw one of my cousins I hadn’t seen in at least 6-7 years or more. And it was soooo good seeing him! The following day, after the funeral, he IM’ed me on Facebook and told me he was in my area. We tried to coordinate meeting up, but our schedules wouldn’t allow. But the amazing thing is that we went from no contact to suddenly chatting on IM! Amazing! 🙂 The bright side…. Thanks, Pam!
Serena,
Thank you so much for sharing something so personal and beautiful. It was very touching. Families can be very complicated, but in the end, family is what matters most. So sorry for your loss. I lost my grandmother 7 years ago and miss her so much. I know we will all be together again.
Thank you so much, Sharon!! I appreciate it! 🙂
Hang in there dear lady, I understand how your feeling regarding family and that. My maternal grandfather passed back in December of 2014. Then a good friend of mine passed back in February 2015 around my bday, then my father(he was 65) passed in March 2015 a month later, my husband then lost his father(he was 63) in April 2015 that month after mine, then my grandmother passed in July 2015 all of those losses within one year, I’m surprised I’m still alive myself! Lol! There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of any of them, they always come back for a visit trust me they go to long lengths to show us how much they love us, sometimes more so then when they’re living. Love is a powerful thing! Stay strong it only gets better with time! Take that time you need to grieve, your gonna need it. My heart is with you. ❤️
Oh, Jacqueline, I’m sorry to hear about that many losses in such a short period of time!! How did you do it?? How did you get through all of that? Sometimes I think that the soul is just so much more resilient than we think–that even though loss seems unbearable, somehow we figure out how to go on. I hope you’re healing and that your husband is, as well. Thanks for commenting and sharing your losses with me!!
I’m so sorry for your loss Serena. You & your family are in my thoughts & prayers.
My condolences to you and yours. Hugs and love are sent your way and may God bless you and keep you.
Serena,
I don’t usually comment but this really touched me. My condolences to you and your family. I pray God wraps his arms around you and your family during this time. Your tribute was absolutely beautiful!!! Hold on to the beautiful memories you have and continue to show love towards family even when it may not be reciprocated. God Bless.
Thank you, Selma! I’m really glad you commented. I never know if it’s appropriate to even post such personal things on a blog that’s clearly not a lifestyle blog, but sometimes you just have to go off on a tangent. 🙂 Thanks for reading it and thinking of us. The viewing went well last night, and I was able to reconnect with some family. Phone numbers were exchanged, so hopefully this is the start to better connections! I think I’ve learned that this is the purpose of funerals is to give families a chance to strengthen.
Serena, I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. My condolences to you and your family.
Thank you so much, Marigene!! That means a lot! The viewing actually went better than expected, and I got to meet family members I had never met, and some that I hadn’t seen in YEARS! I think that’s the best part to tragedies like this: bringing family closer.