Creating a “Cozy” Home and Life By Changing Your Thoughts
Lately I’ve felt very unsettled.
It’s hard to put a finger on it, but it’s this feeling where I’m not content with the things I used to be content with: projects have lost their luster… I find myself perusing social media more hours than I care to count… and I’m constantly checking my phone, looking for distractions to pull me away from that (i.e. work and chores) which I know I need to get done.
Yet, if someone were to have asked me to name what was causing that unsettled feeling, I couldn’t tell them.
I just knew it felt like going to bed without brushing your teeth and all night that little nettling feeling picking at your brain, “Hey! Pssst! You didn’t brush your teeth! Don’t get too comfortable! You stiiiill need to go brush your teeth!” (I don’t know about you, but I cannot get comfortable for the night if I forget to complete any part of my evening routine of self-care! Are you like that, too??)
It’s a very unsettling feeling when you know there is something you need to do, but you just don’t feel like doing it, for whatever reason; your motivation has stalled.
Essentially, you feel stuck. But you’re not sure what is causing you to be stuck.
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You know, mental health is a very real thing and not something to be taken lightly. But I’m not talking about depression, the kind of mental health challenge where you feel like you don’t even want to get out of bed. Thankfully, I have never had depression and I hope I never have to experience that kind of debilitating condition.
What I’m referring to could almost be described as a general mental malaise; just not feeling 100% emotionally. If you feel like this, too, sometimes, it could be caused by any number of reasons, sometimes ones that you’re not quite sure of: family issues, marital issues, worries about finances, job stress, indecisiveness, lack of focus, etc.
Anyhow, the other day I was feeling an intense urge to go to the library. Reading does something to restore me. Falling into a good book and stealing moments from your day to catch up on a few more pages gives me something to look forward to. The library has always been my #1 “happy place,” only a slight edge over my second favorite place, the thrift store (of course!).
I padded to the library with my library card in hand and an empty tote bag, ready to fill the bag with books of every kind: fiction romance novels, non-fiction beauty books, and more. Not that I can read all of those within the 3 weeks allotted for check-outs, but there’s nothing like walking out of a library with an armful of knowledge and adventures and getting to pick and choose what you devote your attention to for a few weeks of your life.
One of the books I found was called Cozy: The Art of Arranging Yourself in the World by Isabel Gillies.
The title instantly grabbed my attention. “Cozy” is a buzzword we have used to describe everything from warm, soft sweaters…to quaint neighborhoods that look too expensive to move to… to a fresh, new comforter for a bedroom makeover…to Christmas lights on a cold winter night.
But as I thumbed through this book, the author was writing about how cozy pencils were.
She describes them as “familiar, sturdy, dependable tools that live with most of us. The humble pencil is put to good use while making lists, doodles, solving math problems, note-taking in margins of books, scoring games….” etc. She goes on to describe them physically, and how to carry them, sharpen them, the types of lead we use in them, and even shares that there is something called the Pencil Appreciation Society where you actually have to apply to become a member. (I’m not kidding you).
As ludicrous as it sounds, how she described the most mundane item we all have in our household, felt like poetry to me. It was soothing. It was mindful. It was therapeutic. And it showed how we are all connected by, yes, even pencils.
It actually seemed like the kind of book that put into words the type of thoughts I had about life all around me, although, not quite to that extent….
But I wanted to hear more about how ordinary things are really quite extraordinary (and how they’re considered “cozy”). Perhaps I, too, could begin to see even more things in my world as full of wonder, usefulness, and purpose.
I realized during my quick scan to make a split decision if the book was worthy of tossing into my tote bag is that this book goes beyond what you know and believe to be “cozy,” and explains that “cozy” is something you can learn to be, no matter what situation you’re facing in life (including general malaise…).
THIS……This was the book I knew that I needed.
I brought it home and delved into each chapter, snuggled under the covers in my bed, even more acutely aware of creating a “cozy” environment for myself to read about how to be cozy in all parts of your life, no matter what situation you may find yourself in.
The author builds the case that cozy is about connectedness and looking inward into who you are. In the example of the pencil, it was this universal tool that we all use, which cuts across customs, traditions, backgrounds, and more. There was a “coziness” about pencils, she was trying to teach us.
Cozy is about feeling grounded and sound, and “tuning in–connecting to what’s going on around you.” That is how you get cozy.
It’s about connecting intimately to humanity.
It’s about how someone took care of you when you were young.
Cozy is about filling your life and your home with the things and experiences that connect you to your roots, to other humans, to your authentic self, and to the things that make you feel safe and secure and loved.
In reading this book, I finally understood that the reason I haven’t been feeling 100% emotionally is because my life has been lacking coziness. More pointedly, my life has been lacking the connection to my authentic self. And the connections that are there, I wasn’t observing them.
My authentic self’s purpose in life, (and the point of Thrift Diving), is to create, inspire, and teach. And I sure as heck don’t feel like I have been doing any of those things lately. While I am working on projects (I’m almost done with the vinyl plank flooring in my “she shed” and just finishing up the baseboards!), the speed at which I move is that of a turtle drudging through a pool of molasses. I felt like I moved slowly because I’m unmotivated, unfocused, wasteful with my time, wondering if anything I am doing is really that important to anyone but me, or even creative enough.
But I wonder….as I consider my lack of speed…if I move slow because I am simply enjoying the coziness of working on a project at leisure, with The Golden Girls streaming in my ears, soothing me while I create the light-filled, delicious creative space my heart has always desired.
Instead of being in the spotlight, I’ve retreated to the shadows, lurking on social media but not really wanting to be front and center for anyone.
The time between YouTube videos is so far that people forget they even subscribed, or they wonder if I dropped off the face of the earth.
I rarely send emails to subscribers because, well, if there is no new content, there is no new email. When new emails are sent, people have forgotten they even subscribed. And you know what happens at that point–they’ll either delete it or unsubscribe.
….And a blog post….? What is that?? I can’t remember the last time when I wrote a proper tutorial with tons of useful information for the everyday DIYer. (Although, I have to admit, writing this blog post feels like a proper solute to my authentic journaling that began when I was 15 years old, and it feels divine).
Being a content creator wasn’t feeling “cozy” anymore. It felt like a chore–one that I shied away from and continued to work on my projects begrudgingly pulling out the camera because I had to.
You have to understand that I have never wanted another career than to be a blogger and YouTuber–even before this career even existed. I knew that I wanted to be “creative,” and that I absolutely flourished in front of the camera. But I didn’t know until I was nearly 40 years old that being a content creator was a real career. I simply enjoyed creating something unique, sharing with people how I achieved it (or what went wrong and how I fixed it!), and eagerly moving on to the next project in between my demanding 9-to-5, mother-to-3 busy lifestyle.
But the gleam had worn off, and I couldn’t put my finger on why, and why I couldn’t verbalize what felt off and why my life felt “off.”
Until I had this book, Cozy.
What happened is that I had stopped feeling cozy and started focusing more on earning a living. In fact, when you earn a living from your passion, it does often start to feel like “work.” You don’t have time to feel “cozy” anymore because it’s not a hobby; your family’s well-being is dependent on your churning a profit.
Writing blog posts used to feel absolutely cozy: I’d have my big cup of tea and a whole uninterrupted afternoon to write up in detail how I turned this into that (check out my Project Gallery, by the way). The pride of the project was evident, especially if it was something that I wasn’t sure would turn out because of a few bad decisions. But somehow, I figured out how to pull it through to the end, with a final reveal that left readers exclaiming, “You did it! It looks great!”
There was a pride and connectedness in those posts, in the whole experience from slathering on the first coat of paint or cutting the first piece of wood, to the final signature of my name at the end of a blog post.
But over time, it was replaced by renaming hundreds of blog post pictures with proper keywords in the title so that Google can index them for search. And of course, the post had to be formatted for readability by bots so that the post might get the chance to be the featured snippet in search.
The cozy, connected feeling I had to my “why” of my work, and my authentic self, started to feel disconnected. The more that Google mattered, the more brand deals with tight deadlines that came in, the more my “why” had a dollar sign attached to it. It wouldn’t change the quality of the content, but the “cozy” behind it slowly started to seep out of the projects, hidden behind a check-list of everything that must be done to be an effective post that I’d hope would go viral.
The coziness wasn’t lost overnight. It was so gradual that it was barely noticeable. But I started to feel it, a long time ago, in fact. And it’s only been recently that I have significantly felt it. In fact, what I think the unsettled feeling came from was the desire for cozy competing with the desire for growth and domination.
Just listen to any productivity audiobook, or listen to business guru and motivator, Gary V, and it’s drilled into your head in 15 second sound bites that you’ve got to be producing 10X what you think you can produce, you’ve got out perform your competition, you’ve got to hit 1 million this and 1 million that; that if you’re not on TikTok uploading a video every day, you’re failing. If you’re not doing YouTube shorts, you’re irrelevant.
There are so many messages in your feed and face telling you that you’re not good enough, you’re not doing enough, that you begin to feel the friction inside of yourself between wanting to be cozy and move at a pace that feels comfortable for you, and feeling like you’re a failure because you’re not moving fast enough.
For some, that message of “Do more!” resonates and those folks answer the Call to Action.
For me, it left me with much dissonance because I didn’t want to do more. I still don’t want to do more. I don’t care if I reach 1 million subscribers on YouTube. I don’t care if my email list is 100K. I only care that each day I get to create the cozy work-life atmosphere that makes me feel like I made the difference in someone’s life.
But it took reading this book, Cozy, and writing this blog post, for me to see that.
Like a rising sun on morning fog, I feel the uneasiness dissipating as I write.
In reading this book, Cozy, thinking about the connectedness we feel to others, I started thinking about my content differently, too. I started to imagine you, dear listener, dear viewer, dear reader, sitting with a hot cup of tea, after a long, hard day at work, opening up your email to see that there is a new project from me. It might have been 2 weeks, but finally, it’s arrived. You’re excited to see what new things I’ve been up to, because although you don’t have much time for DIY, you enjoy living vicariously through my projects and getting inspired and motivated.
You open the email and see that I made something that you’ve been wanting to try, or have thought about for years, but never had the time to do, or honestly…didn’t even think you could do. But here I am, giving it a try, sharing with you how to do it.
You click to read the blog post, to watch the YouTube video, with the lights turned low in your bedroom while sipping your cup of tea, ready to click and get comfortable to watch the video.
You’ve had a hard day of work, you’re physically and mentally tired, and my voice, which you’ve always found soothing, appears on the screen, with a smile that feels like it’s just for you. I’m walking you through how I did the project. After watching for a while, you decide that it’s something you want to do later down the road, not right now, but you just enjoy watching me, hearing my voice keeping you company, helping you to unwind at the end of the day. You’ve invited me into your home, to spend time with you that evening, like old friends. You feel less alone, less anxious after your long day. You leave a comment and find that I just responded to tell you I appreciate the time you took to watch and to comment, and to wish you luck on your own projects!
While you’re still tired, you’re in less of a foul mood, and less lonely, because of our connection.
That scenario is what this book Cozy taught me to envision: the connectedness between us, the cozy feeling that went into creating the video that would soothe you, make you laugh, bring joy to the evening of something who may have really needed that bright spot on a dark night.
When I think of that scenario, it inspires me to pull out my camera to share with you what’s in my heart, the projects I am excited to do, the pride I feel at completing them, knowing that you’re on the other end to receive it, creating a cozy connection between us.
You are my “why.”
That coziness is what has been missing from my work, from my life, causing my anxiety and hesitation. And now that I have identified it, I am mindful of it and will allow myself to give in to it, despite the pressures to over-perform for no reason than to “keep up with the Jones” (aka: other content creators!).
I think it’s the reason I love doing my podcast so much because my podcast feels very cozy: just you and me connecting via a microphone. I’m able to share my thoughts, feelings, ideas, advice, tutorials with you, and I imagine my words soothing you, going along with you in your day, whether you’re driving, gardening, doing laundry….Me talking to you, one on one, is about as close of a connection that we can have. And that is cozy.
The author says, “In learning how to be cozy, you are responsible for taking what happens to you, learning from it, then connecting it to your innermost self.”
And my innermost self is about creating, inspiring, and teaching.
Cozy isn’t just about work, though, it’s also about home. And it’s more than soft pillows and new comforters when doing a room makeover.
The book talks about some tips on how to create a cozy home. I’ve been calling it, “loving your home,” but I like the idea of it being about creating a cozy home.
A cozy home is about the things that connect to your authentic self: your traditions, your heritage, the meaningful things in your life, the nostalgia you feel for a certain time in your life that felt really good, memories that bring a smile to your face…being intentional about what you bring into your home…
The reason I love hanging Christmas lights at Christmas (despite not being Christian) is to conjure up the feeling of coziness when we were younger and my mom putting up lights on what we called a “Charlie Brown” tree. It sure was an “ugly” tree, by comparison to the gorgeous Pinterest-worthy trees saved in Decorating folders on millions of devices. But it was our tree, filled with mismatched ornaments we had passed down for years. There was comfort in the familiarity. And knowing that family would gather together and sip hot cocoa, followed by eagerly opening presents the following morning.
Those are traditions that I am passing down to my own children (much to my husband’s disagreement; he thinks it’s a useless and meaningless practice).
So in the book, the author asks a few decorators to share what they find cozy. They answered things such as:
- The colors used in a home. One designer, Nathan Turner, said the color blue was cozy because it reminded him of a deep navy blue that you see in Northern CA and Maine, and it’s similar to the color he saw when he looked out of his childhood home. He recommended that if you don’t know what color you like the most, see what color is most dominant in your home and try that, or even paint the ceiling that color if you don’t want to do the walls.
- Nathan Turner’s partner, Eric Hughes, also a designer, said that “handmade” things are cozy, such as things found on Etsy and eBay.
- Miles Redd, another designer, says that straw is cozy: straw baskets, straw rugs, straw wastebaskets, etc. Also, trays! I love this idea. Organize the clutter and everything looks clean and intentional!
- Dimmers on your lights! I definitely love a cozy room with low lighting! Go for 30-watt bulbs.
- Make your living space warm and inviting with a bar! Try repurposing a tv stand into a bar cart.
- Cozy blanks!
I think that literally anything can make a house feel cozy, but it’s about what you feel is most cozy to you, not just what a designer says.
For me, what makes my home feel cozy is lots of sunlight. When my home feels light, bright, and airy, and spacious (which is rare!), it makes me feel most connected to my home. It makes me feel light-hearted. I think this is why I love my 16’x26′ “she shed” so much because I designed it for light to pour in, even on the cloudiest day.
My mom also loves light, and I think I may have gotten this from her. Our homes were always full of sunlight, and I connect that with my childhood homes.
So what about you–what kind of cozy things and traditions and meaningful nostalgia do you fill your home with?
What makes your home feel safe, secure, and comforting, even if it’s not “on trend”?
And have you ever thought about what makes your life, in general, feel cozy?
I definitely recommend picking up a copy of Cozy: The Art of Arranging Yourself in the World by Isabel Gillies. Even her style of writing will leave you feeling cozy and thinking about the most mundane things in a more illustrious way.
Now….excuse me while I excuse myself for a cozy Sunday dinner with my family… 🙂
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You know your followers! I was inspired to do one project prior to the pandemic and it came out amazing. I have others lined up but … Anyway, you have the gift my mom had — to make beauty out of next to nothing. I agree with the follower who called what you are feeling “burnout.” From time to time we have to lookout at ourselves, our lives, in a different way; reinvent, change how we cope. I use nature a lot. Go outside. Look around at nature’s beauty. Be alone, quiet. Thankful.
Hi Patricia! YAY! Glad to hear your project turned out great! What did you work on? And I agree–I think it’s definitely “burnout.” I went and bought some pretty yarn and I’m working on knitting a cozy extra large wool wrap. I always forget how soothing knitting is, until I pull out the needles and started clicking them together. I get lost in it! 🙂 I’m just waiting to be able to knit in my “she shed”–now THAT would be the epitome of COZY! 🙂 Especially when it gets cold (if that will ever happen…LOL). Thank you for your lovely comment!
I always love reading about your DIY ‘s . They inspire me. I do think you have a nice comforting voice too. I like the way you explain things in detail. I like your videos. Thanks to you I learned about a lot of good tips on sanding. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing your
Awww, thank you, Aida! If you can believe it, I used to hate my voice because it was always so scratchy and not smooth like other people. BUT….I’m thankful to speak at all! And that I get to share it with you. Thank you for watching, listening, and reading, and for allowing me to inspire you! 🙂
Serena – OH my gosh. I can absolutely see how being pushed toward “the numbers” can drain the fun, the energy and the joy out of what you do! Don’t let that happen to you, dear Serena. Let me say this–when I find myself with pages of new emails, and one of them is from Thrift Diving – you can bet everything else can wait. I’ve even color-coded your email address so that when you send something, it shows up red, so it will stand out. I just have to see what you’re up to! And just tonight I showed my husband your sewing table, and reminded him that YOU were the inspiration for my AWESOME sewing table that I did during one of your “fix a room” events. You’re delightful, you’re adorable, you’re fun to watch, and I’ve learned so much from you. You’re a bad-ass DIY’er, and you inspire me! So cozy on up to your lovely home, cozy on up to whatever brings you joy, and let the numbers be whatever they are. And oh – for me? Cozy is a purring cat on my lap, a book in my hand and a fire in the fireplace. Heaven!
Ruth, you are making me smile, my friend!!! 🙂 I’m jealous of your “cozy” because I love cats and would love to sit by a fire and cuddle with a kitty! I see a few strays around my neighborhood, but the minute they see them, they bolt. LOL. I think I need to start carrying treats. 😉 And yes, trying to hit a quota when publishing content sucks soooo much of the joy out of creating. You worry that not enough people will love it, and if that’s the case, Youtube or Google won’t show it to more people, so then you feel like it’s a “bust.” However, I was listening to a podcast episode today with a guy being interviewed from I Like to Make Stuff (he’s on YouTube). And he had such a poignant point of view. He said that his content never spikes and goes viral. Very rarely. However, the way he sees it is like this: at the end of his career, he wants to have a library of really useful, valuable content. And I thought, “That’s exactly what I have always wanted, too!” Hearing him say it, though, reminded me that what I’m putting out is about creating the valuable content that will help people through many types of projects and DIY. Once I know that is my focus, “going viral” won’t even be relevant because it will only be about creating that library of useful information. I’m so thankful that he was able to put into words what I have always wanted me focus to be, too. It really helps me to find those holes in the content and then to fill it. 🙂 Thanks for allowing me to explain that! OH!!! And thank you SOOOO much for putting my emails at the top of your list! For that reason alone, I will make sure that I email more often!!!!
Hey Serena, sounds like “burn out”. I had a business I started in my garage 30 yrs ago, I had birds n I made all my own toys, before I knew it I was making toys for the local bird n pet shops. It was nice having extra money coming in but it started taking a toll. I would be in my garage sometimes 18 hours a day, in South Florida, in 100 degree heat, just to fill orders getting NO help or support from my husband, my kids would help but were to little to really make a dent. It got to be way too much, n then I was losing interest in getting new designs. I had NO desire to it anymore, I was burnt out BIG TIME after 2 yrs, I thought I needed a break n I took one, a LONG one of a couple months, but when I tried to go back I just didn’t want to do anymore, it wasn’t FUN anymore. So I didn’t. I still had orders but couldn’t bring myself to even look at my supplies sitting there, I sold my business, n the world lifted off my shoulders n I felt whole again. I can’t even imagine how much more pressure it would have been if that included filming n editing then getting it on the web with deadlines. I LOVE ur blog n ur channel, I really can understand what ur going thru, I wish u all the luck.
Oh wow, Kate, I was visualizing as I was reading your story about how that must have felt to love something so much but then couldn’t even look at your supplies again because of burn-out. I remember a friend years ago in my mom’s group loved taking pictures. She was pretty good, too. But she vowed never to do it for money because then she knew she would come to not love it anymore. It happens to so many people who think that having a “dream job” of doing what they love is the epitome of life. But your example (and how I have gotten a bit burned out) is proof that nothing in life is perfect–not even the dream job! LOL. I was saying in another comment that I have bought some yarn and am starting a knitting project. I realize that when you work (even if it’s something fun), that you need hobbies–things that are purely for you and not anyone else. It sounds like when you were doing your birdhouses (which sound amazing, by the way!), you didn’t have any time left for the things to rejuvenate you. I think that is what was happening to me. I was doing things that were draining my tank and I wasn’t doing enough to put gas IN my tank. With the knitting, and doing some of the things on my “To Do” list (garage cleanup!), I feel myself responding and feeling much more content and balanced! Thank you!
Thanks you Serena. I’m going through a similar feeling about my YouTube channel. It was meant to inspire and now I’m experiencing pressure to perform. Though I must say the pressure is my own. I try to fill my home with treasures that have meaning and visual warmth. Thanks for sharing your lovely thoughts.
Hi Carol! Oooh, what’s your YouTube URL? I’ll look you up and subscribe! Youtube is “great” for pressuring people to perform, too. The moment you step away to refresh, or to even work on a project, and you’re not constantly churning out new stuff, their algorithm dings you, demotes your channel, and everything goes down. It doesn’t doesn’t make you feel warm and cozy to upload new stuff at that point because you won’t how many people are even going to see it. What I would recommend, for anyone doing a channel, try to make it as authentically you, including how often you want to post. If you don’t have it in your to post daily….weekly….then do what feels natural. 🙂 Thanks for commenting!
I can totally relate. A couple of month back I wasn’t happy anymore decorating and renovating my home. Then my mom asked me, when am I going to take a break from spending money and time on fixing my home? That woke me up. I didn’t consider the holidays are coming and I need to stop spending money and energy into my home but focus on other just as important things. I made a deal with myself. From Jan – Aug, I’m going to dedicate to my home then I’m going to take a break for the rest of the year. I think with this change, I’m able to sit back, look at my progress and appreciate it more. Sorry for the long post but I had to share.
Oooh, Lameqa, you are saying something here, girlfriend! I absolutely LOVE this insight! You said something super important: when you never take a break from that which you love, you begin to not enjoy it anymore. You’re right–it’s not novel anymore, it starts to feel like work (even if it’s your own personal decorating and renovating). I think you may have just inspired me to be more structured about when I work on things, too. Because you’re right–this is the “cozy” part of the year when it’s about thinking about gifts and making things or buying things that you know your family is going to love. Maybe even planning holiday get-togethers with them. This is the part of the year to focus on those things. Come January, we’ll all be ready to set some new goals for the new year and get rejuvenated by the possibility of what “can be” in 2023, but this time now is to focus on reviewing your year, appreciating what you’ve done, and closing out the year with fun and creating memories. 🙂 Thank you for this insight!!
Just what I needed today ❤️❤️ thank you for being authentically you and sharing your thoughts. I too have felt restless and I wonder if I am missing the connectedness and missing soaking in the feelings of cozy. Can’t wait to read this book and excited to keep following your visions- whenever they may come. Cheers
Aww, thank you for understanding and sharing that you’ve felt the same way, Nicole! The strong word you said here was “connectedness.” I have been thinking about this word a lot lately, from relationships with others to even a relationship with myself. Maybe it’s the lack of connectedness to ourselves that inhibits us from paying attention to the “cozy” all around us. But now that we have a name for it, we can be mindful to fill our time with things that make us feel connected to ourselves, so that we can then be connected to those arounds us…to nature…to things that soothe us and make us feel cozy. 🙂
Wonderful writing. Important ideas, well expressed.
Thank you so much, Elle! It felt cozy just writing this blog post. 🙂 Thank you for reading and responding!
Awww, thank you, Kathy! That means so much! It felt good to just sit and write from the heart! 🙂 Thank you SO much for taking the time to read and respond. 🙂
Best. Blog post. Ever.